Question by Martin Pedersen: If your marriage has survived infidelity, do you still look down on swingers?
I’ve seen plenty of hate for cheating partners. I’ve seen plenty of hate (and support) for marriages that invite third parties to their bed. I’ve also seen so many posts by spouses who have forgiven past infidelities.
I am of the opinion that people who have not allowed infidelity to end their marriage are basically now in an open marriage. They just aren’t reaping the potential benefits. Given that, it would be fairly hypocritical to chastise marriages that engage in infidelity without deceit.
Am I way off in that assessment?
Best answer:
Answer by Unit 3
Yes you are.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!.
Infidelity without deceit? No sir, I don’t agree. People can change.
Uh, yes you are! If my husband cheated, that doesn’t mean I suddenly think it’s ok to have threesomes or to swing.
YES im pretty sure you dont need people on yahoo to tell you this
I disagree. The purpose of a “swinger” is to engage in casual and consentual sex, often with the knowledge of their partner (and sometimes participation or reciprocation.) My own marriage is an example of one where I was caught cheating, and now have come to realize that nothing is as important to me in this world as my wife. We are not in an “open marriage” by default, and in fact, the experience has reinforced our belief in needing each other, and only each other, for the rest of our lives.
To each his own, overgeneralizing the entire population is a fallacious activity.
This is completely a personal matter of what the couple is comfortable with. You should not judge any of them and you shouldn’t assume that just because someone goes through all the hard work necessary to finally forgive and trust a cheating spouse that they should be ok with further non-monogamy. People have to decide what works for them. Some do ok in non-monogamous relationships and some don’t. For those who don’t it is damn near impossible to forgive someone who cheats. So, if they do go to all the trouble to forgive the last thing they need is some nosy friend saying “You’re basically in an open marriage.”
Swinging can be a successful practice, but it is very, very, very, difficult to find two people that can make it work.
Its not in human genes.
You’re way off. Forgiving infidelity =! condoning infidelity. If the infidelity continues with the knowledge of the other partner, then it qualifies as an “open” marriage. Otherwise it doesn’t.
I agree with you. If you are in your marriage and say “No cheating” and then someone cheats, it is condining their behavior by not ending the marriage. No matter what the “punishment” is, there is still a marriage. Some people choose not to cheat again, and good for them. But if the cost of the infidelity is worth it (I have to sleep on the couch for a month and have to do counseling if I am caught) then the cheater is very likely going to go out and do it again.
The question is all about mental health. When it comes to the marriage it is often that “fools rush in”. People marry before they have had a chance to fully know their partner. They dont know how they will handle finances, living together and when the kids come, well they wake up to realize they are two different people and the fire’s gone.
There are also some people that are naturally swingers that is who they are, and that is who they should stay unless they are certain that they can change.
I would not look down unless infidelity is done in a deceitful or harmful way.
No you are pretty right on.
People who are quick to judge are usually just scared.
Its the insecure ones that will be saying swinging is bad and blah blah blah… If you read beyond the words people write and picture the person who has written it you will mostly say to yourself “I would never listen to someone like anyway”.
infedility means that one person went out and cheated while the other didn’t want that
open marriage means that both parties are to feel free to go out and date others
(swingers do not have an open marriage in a sense of swingers generally “date” as a couple- not as two separate people
and having a third party in the bedroom is something completely different as well)
so I’m willing to bet your first mistake is not understanding the difference between all of these “lifestyle choices”
(since the only similarity between all of these lifestyle choices is COMPLETE AND OPEN HONESTY WITH THEIR SPOUSES- whereas infedility is not an honest behavior the way that open/swinging/third party marriages are honest)
forgiving an infedility generally means that “ok, you did this once, you made a mistake, lets try and fix this so we can stay together”
it doesn’t mean that you’re ok with the other person sleeping around, it just means that you don’t want to throw away your marriage on one mistake
No. I think I have a better understanding of why they do it more now with the experience I have with swingers, cheaters and ex’s.
To each their own.
I had a post yesterday — is cheating a fetish?
I think even if you catch your spouse committing adultery, why be open about your own affairs?
Why give away that leverage?
Even swinging couples get jealous — life is never fair — one partner may get more action than the other, making the other feel inadequate.
The don’t-ask-don’t-tell (unless caught red-handed) policy seems to work for a lot of people.
Infidelity and open relationships are two different things. Referring to an extra-marital liaison as “infidelity” implies that the incident was unacceptable within the context of that given marriage/relationship. Yes, a lot of people move on and forgive, but it doesn’t mean that this behavior becomes acceptable. Your kid may draw on the wall with crayons; you will explain to him/her that it’s unacceptable behavior, and I’m sure you will forgive the child – but it doesn’t mean that all of a sudden it is now ok to draw on walls: quite contrary, it is not, and you will do what it takes for the child to understand that.
Open relationships, on the other hand, is like having a wall specifically for the purpose of drawing on it with crayons. Here’s the wall, here are the crayons, draw all you want, we all agree that it’s ok. Just don’t draw on these other walls – or whatever other rules might apply. Comparing infidelity and open relationships is like comparing apples and oranges; two different things entirely.
That said, I do feel that what each individual couple does behind closed doors is their business, and theirs only. If they choose to have an open relationship – more power to them. It’s no one else’s place to criticize them or look down on them; to each their own, and there’s more than one path to a happy relationship. But I would in no way, shape or form compare this arrangement to the pain and deceit involved in an infidelity.