Question by Ms. G: Any marriages out there that have survived infidelity and emerged a stronger couple?
If so, please share with me a little bit about how long it took and about the process and feelings you went through. If not, please tell me how long you tried to work things out before it was evident that it wouldn’t. Thanks for the feedback. I’m struggling with my husband’s past infidelity and would like some input on your own experience.
Best answer:
Answer by kitkat
With a lot of hard work and commitment on both sides.
Add your own answer in the comments!.
Mine never did work out. My ex cheated on me and I could never see him the same. It’s years later and I still can never look at him the same way.
I’m guessing the list of people responding to this will be a short one. Sorry you are in this predicament.
you are struggling with the past . past is past .forget it. and move on as nothing is happened. now ask yourself are you loyal to your husband .did you not make any mistake
I have never actually CAUGHT my husband cheating, but there’s been several indicators and incidences where I HIGHLY suspected it.Once upon a time I trusted him IMMENSELY, no doubt in my mind whatsoever i KNEW (at that time) he’d never cheated on me. But once that trust was broken, there was something less about him. I wanted to trust him again so badly, but the truth was, he’d broken that trust. He’d put that shadow of a doubt in my mind. You can’t UN-see the seen nor UN-hear the heard. You’re right to still be leary if in fact you ARE going to try to make it work. But in doing so, that means that you will have to forgive him and let go of all of your resentment towards him) let it stay in the past. it’s very tough, and not alot of couples can do it, but it CAN be done.
I think the greatest thing to understand is the circumstances in which you two are still together. He cheated. You know that. Yet your still with him. That means that you chose to trust him again, so you have to be willing to give him some slack. Yelling at him because he came home 25 minutes late for work doesnt warrent a “Where the F#@$ were you?!!” talk. But he also has to understand that, yea he got another chance, but for a while, he has to let you know exactly what hes doing in order to gain your trust back. A lot of people dont like this idea, but it has to be done. He lost all of your trust, and its not quickly gained. Time is the only thing that can heal this wound, and after he proves to you time and time again that he is where he says he is, and hes doing what he says he’s doing, then you’ll slowly start to trust him again. Just remember that just because he screwed up, that its not his job entirely to make it right.
I am wondering the same question. I just found out my husband cheated 2 months ago. Reply for a chat on the subject.I am sure we have the same struggles.
Yes, baby… it can happen. I know, because I went through it, too. My hubbie of 13yrs cheated on me just after we met (I was 5mos pregnant). When I learned about the affair, he was all forgiving and begged me to stay. However, I made him pay… dearly. I did not have any problem at all asking him WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN and WHY about anything and everything I wanted to know about him. I searched him, I checked him, I smelled him, I put him through all kinds of accusations, arguments, etc… but he humbly accepted all I dished out- because he knew he messed up and he knew I needed to know everything, if we were gonna remain together. Long story short, I put him through this treatment for 3years!!! Finally, one day I just got over it… I had that trust for him back again and actually found myself in love with him and respected the fact that he put up with my %$ ## for all those years! LOL! All has been great since… so yes, it can be done.
Sorry I don’t think it will ever work.Once a cheater always a cheater.My ex-wife cheated and we tried to work it out but she kept cheating.We had been married 20+years.Divorce is the only cure I know of.If you forgive them they will do it again since they don’t have to worry about you leaving.Good luck.
Yes I cheated on my husband once with someone I knew from high school I thought he was the one I was supposed to end up with but he was just playing me and I fell for it. I moved out for about a month and a half before my hubby and I were able to come to an agreement to work it out together. And so we have been doing he has trust issues and I completely understand that cause I have had to look at this from his angle too. I do however let him know when he is going overboard and things are turning out great for us so far. My bff also dealt with this before she and her guy were married he conceived with this other girl and they made it through as well they are now married and expecting happily. I really hope you can forgive him as long as he has genuinely changed his ways such as myself and my bff’s man have done. We didn’t do it cause we don’t love the other person things just get difficult and interfere with other situations it was a very confusing time for us.
I am just over a year into what you’re going thru right now. If you are struggling, I cannot stress enough how much counseling helps. But it still all boils down to the basics, regardless of how much you try to cope with it.
1) He needs to say he’s sorry and admit to you exactly what he did.
2) He needs to promise you that he has learned from it and it will never happen again – ever.
3) You need to tell him exactly what you expect of him – to call when he’s out, to provide you with passwords to all of his online stuff (facebook, myspace, e-mail accounts, etc).
If he truly tries to work at gaining your trust back and you feel it’s legit, then it will take a few years to get to where you can not think about it all the time.
They say that couples who work thru it become stronger. The verdict is still open in my case, just because I am still harboring (yet slowly working thru) a lot of pain and resentment. And there are still good days & bad days.
I’m not sure if this answered your question directly, but I hope the info helped.
He has to work to gain your trust again. He destroyed everything you thought you had. He has to prove to you that he is honest and regrets hurting and humiliating you. He has to make amends to you in any way you choose. It’s on him. It’s his work to do. Not yours.
Whether you will ever trust him or really even want to be with him in the same way as before, only you can answer. He is not the person you thought he was. So now you doubt yourself.
Check out some books on forgiveness. There is one called “How Can I Forgive You” and another one that’s pretty good, but I can’t think of the name. But you don’t have to forgive if you’re not feeling it. You can’t do something that you really don’t feel. This is your life. Don’t waste it on somebody who isn’t worth it.
Good luck.
well, he did the deed….and we ‘seperated’ for about 6months. the whole time he was moving on and looked at me as a friend, but i continued to fight for our relationship…it was very difficult and it still is. we started to go to counseling so we could at least save our friendship, but now we are back together and we are much stronger. What has helped us the most is having a ‘thing’ like a hobby we do together and only w eachother so we can share it….also communication. but it’s still really hard, some days are better than others, but it gets easier and easier…..we don’t have any kids to distract us yet so it’s just about us right now. i believe if you both want to make it work it can!!!!!! but it’s ALOT of hard work. it was worth it for me. good luck sweety. i know how you feel, but you will make it!!!
It can absolutely work – if you are committed to making it. My wife admitted to an affair 2 years ago (we had been married 7) and, like you, I was devastated. I feel like we are much stronger today than we were prior to the admission of the affair. For me to get past the infidelity, many things had to happen.
* She had to show remorse. Saying sorry doesn’t cut it. Her actions had to show that she was committed to changing her heart.
* I had to forgive but not forget. It happened but constantly bringing it up serves no purpose. However, if I even suspect her of doing it again, she is well aware of how fast she will be out the door.
* She had to agree to temporarily tolerate my suspecting nature. I needed to know where she was, with whom, and what she was doing. If she wasn’t willing, I would have left her.
* I had to realize that, while she screwed someone else, neither of us were virgins when we got married. Yes, she did the unthinkable to our marriage but, ultimately, did it really matter? She got tested for STDs and we moved on.
While these are just a few things actions we went through, I cannot stress enough that either you both have to decide to make it work for the right reasons (and it is a huge amount of work) or go ahead and throw in the towel. If one of you is not committed to change (him changing his heart and you changing your view of him), the marriage will fail.
Just my $ .02. I can give you more detail if you would like.
~ R
I have no personal experiences with that issue but I suspect that the number of couples who reunite relative to the number who do not is relatively small.